Ghosting: The Science Behind The Disappearing Acts
0
5
0
Even though spooky season has come and gone... the thought of a ghost or rather getting ghosted is still a scary sight!
We don’t talk enough about how ghosting isn’t just emotional war — it’s neurological. When someone you care about vanishes without a word, your brain and body go through real, measurable distress. But when that same ghost reappears with a casual “Hey stranger” like nothing happened, your nervous system takes another hit — a dizzying loop of hope and dread that leaves you spinning between craving and caution.
I speak from personal experience not just as a coach but as both the ghostee and ghoster. Sometimes, people ghost to avoid difficult conversations or the potential for an emotional reaction from the other person. Other times is plain and simple fear or cowardice. But often times than none other than manipulation at it's finest—especially when it becomes a cycle of bait and switch.
So what’s really happening inside you when this cycle repeats? And how do you break it once and for all?
The Science Behind the Ghost
When someone ghosts you, your central nervous system experiences it like rejection — and your body reads rejection as danger.
🧠 1. The Brain Reads It as Rejection — and Rejection = Danger
Your anterior cingulate cortex, the part of your brain that registers physical pain, lights up the same way it would if you’d been physically hurt. Ghosting triggers that primitive “I’ve been cast out of the tribe” signal — and your nervous system doesn’t know this is 2025, not the Stone Age. It just knows: I’m not safe.
⚡ 2. The Stress Circuit Kicks In
The hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis starts firing off distress flares. Cortisol (the stress hormone) floods your bloodstream. Your heart rate rises, your muscles tense, your breathing quickens — all because your body thinks it needs to fight for belonging or flee from pain. It’s why your stomach flips and you feel restless, like you can’t quite sit still or shut your brain up.
💔 3. Dopamine Withdrawal Feels Like a Crash
When you’re connecting with someone, your brain rewards you with dopamine — the “feel-good” neurotransmitter. When they vanish? That reward system plummets. It’s like emotional nicotine withdrawal. You keep checking your phone, replaying conversations, looking for that next “hit” of closure that never comes.
🫀 4. Nervous System Dysregulation
That constant uncertainty (“Did I do something wrong?” “Why won’t they reply?”) keeps your nervous system in a sympathetic state — the fight-or-flight mode. Without closure, your body struggles to return to a parasympathetic (rest and digest) state. So you stay edgy, overthinking, sleepless. It’s not you being dramatic — it’s neurobiology refusing to chill.
👀What Happens When A Ghoster Returns?
In some cases, there's always that ghost who rises from the digital grave like nothing happened with the “Hey stranger" or "Hey you" text — Don't fall for it. It's nothing than mere breadcrumbs of attention just enough to keep your nervous system hooked.
But here’s the raw truth of what’s happening inside you when that happens, both biologically and emotionally:
⚡ 1. Your Nervous System Lights Up Like a Slot Machine
That sudden text? It hits your dopamine system like a jackpot pull. You get that little buzz — the same neurochemical rush that addicts feel with intermittent rewards. This unpredictability (affection → silence → reappearance) trains your brain to chase the next “hit.” It’s not weakness, it’s wiring. Your ventral tegmental area fires up, flooding your brain with dopamine, whispering, maybe this time it’ll be different.
💔 2. The Amygdala Remembers the Pain
At the same time, your amygdala — the fear center — is on edge. It remembers the abandonment. So while part of you feels elated (“They reached out!”), another part braces for impact. Your heart rate might jump, your stomach tightens, and you feel a strange mix of excitement and dread. That’s the body’s version of, We’ve been here before, and it hurt.
🧠 3. Cognitive Dissonance Goes to War
Two realities clash:
“They hurt me.”
“But I still want them to care.”
Your prefrontal cortex — the rational part of your brain — tries to keep you grounded, but your emotional limbic system shouts louder. You start rationalizing, minimizing, bargaining. Your brain tries to rewrite the story for comfort.
🔁 4. The Cycle Reinforces Itself
Every time they vanish and reappear, your nervous system becomes more entangled. This creates trauma bonding — a psychological loop of reward and withdrawal that strengthens attachment through pain. It’s like emotional rollercoaster conditioning; your body begins to crave what it also fears. Even if you know it’s bad, your neurons don’t speak logic — they speak repetition.
🧘🏾♀️ 5. When They Reappear, the Power Shifts (If You Let It)
When they pop back in, you’re at a crossroads between reaction and regulation. If you engage impulsively, the ghost holds the strings. But if you pause — breathe — observe the sensations in your body instead of obeying them, the power starts shifting back to you. That’s your vagus nerve saying, “We don’t need to chase ghosts to prove we’re alive.”
⚡ The Cycle of Disappearing Acts
The Ping: They text. Your brain floods with dopamine — hope reignites.
The High: You replay old moments, thinking maybe this time will be different.
The Drop: Silence returns. Cortisol rises. You spiral.
The Hook: Your nervous system starts craving their next reappearance, even if you know better.
It’s a cruel emotional rollercoaster — and your nervous system is strapped in whether you like it or not. But here’s the truth: you can rewire your way off the ride.
🌿 The 7-Day Nervous System Healing Guide
The next time you have been ghosted or you feel yourself wanting to reach out to the person literally tying with your emotions, here is a simple step-by-step guide guide to healing your nervous system.
A gentle, powerful way to return to yourself — body, mind, and energy.
Try it and let me know how it works out for you.
💥 Day 1 – The Shockwave
Your body thinks it’s in danger. Breathe before you respond.
Six seconds in, eight seconds out — that’s how you tell your nervous system, We’re safe.
Move your body to release tension and reclaim your agency.
☁️ Day 2 – Dopamine Detox
Your brain is craving that next “hit” of validation. Don’t feed it.
Mute notifications, and channel that craving into rhythm: journaling, dancing, or cooking.
Adaptogenic herbs like ashwagandha or tulsi help regulate stress hormones.
💔 Day 3 – The Come-Down
The stress hormone cortisol lingers, leaving you drained.
Move slowly. Stretch. Write a letter you’ll never send.
Fuel your body with magnesium-rich foods: leafy greens, pumpkin seeds, dark chocolate.
🔥 Day 4 – The Flashback
Your mind replays the old story. That’s your amygdala calling.
Ground yourself through your senses — 5 things you see, 4 you touch, 3 you hear.
Repeat: I choose consistency, not confusion.
Then, move — twerk, lift, walk, dance — shake out the residue.
🌙 Day 5 – The Regroup
Your clarity returns. You start seeing the pattern for what it is.
Take inventory of what this connection cost you — your peace, time, energy — and call it back.
End your day with lavender or chamomile tea and a slow stretch before bed.
💫 Day 6 – Re-Regulation
Your vagus nerve relaxes; your breath deepens.
Practice coherent breathing — five seconds in, five seconds out, for five minutes.
Visualize your nervous system as a river clearing debris. You’re flowing again.
🌹 Day 7 – Reclamation
You’ve begun rewiring for peace.
Create your release ritual — burn the letter, delete the thread, sage your space.
Write this affirmation: I am not waiting for ghosts to validate my light.
Then celebrate — with music, laughter, or movement that says, “I’m home in my own body again.”
💖 The Takeaway
I have been there... more times than I care to count. And if I am being transparent, I manage to break a recent cycle of this sort of BS. Healing from ghosting isn’t about revenge or indifference. It’s about returning ownership of your nervous system — your peace, your breath, your light — back to you. You can’t control who vanishes or who reappears. But you can decide that your energy isn’t an open door for confusion.
Ghosts may knock — but this time, they’ll find the house locked, the lights warm, and you dancing freely inside.
Download the 7-Day Guide here for safekeeping next time someone plays disappearing acts with you
✨ Nourish. Move. Glow.
Disclaimer:
The tips and information shared in this blog are for educational and informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare professional before making decisions regarding your physical or mental health, including starting any new exercise or nutrition program, especially if you have underlying medical conditions, injuries, or mental health concerns.
